Updated: Aug 4
"How do you do it? How do you not give a fuck if people don't like you?"
A housemate asked me yesterday. My answer was this.
There was a time growing up, in high school, where I felt like an outsider, and void of truly loving friendships.
I was an artistic, creative soul looking to blossom - in a Silicon Valley culture that glamorized and normalized being within a box of superficial conformity and external validation.
During these confusing developmental stages, the community I once knew and loved now pretended they didn't know or see me - as my innocent inability to conform to a clique made me a threat to a culture of social and academic competition.
Feeling totally unseen and unembraced, I was forced to learn how to love, hold, and celebrate myself - even if it seemed no one around me did.
Being highly sensitive, although I became quite mentally and emotionally torn up in many regards and collapsed in on myself in insecurity.. this also provided the perfect opportunity for me to learn to meditate: which I began to do nearly everyday upon returning from school for about an Hour, as a spiritual bath of sorts from the toxic energetic build up of that day.
What seemed like the biggest curse, was the biggest blessing.
As the world seemed to shut me out, I turned "inward" and began to journey through the shadow of unconscious, and learn to be-friend my own luminous intuition and deeper states of being, universal insight, and realization.
Also, Raving during those times in High School, and than going to Transformational Gatherings later on - really allowed me to see that I wasn't alone, and find myself surrounded by so many other completely unique beings that might feel totally outcast in regular life... but in those settings, are able to fully embrace their full-blown essence as LOVE, amongst others doing the same.
I found freedom here, and a self-devotional unfuckwithability that I continued to hold myself through over the years - which slowly.. over time.. began to magnetize friendships and connections I never could have dreamed would be possible.
With enough diligence to self-love through the loneliness, I made space suddenly for people that saw me in ways that were Universes beyond what the popular narrative showed, in a culture where so many continue to sacrifice and squander their own souls for the approval of others... simply because they don't know that there are others out there that want to celebrate their fullness.
I am beyond humbled and grateful that there are so many dear souls in my life today that celebrate all of me - and are here to remind me of how much they love to see me love myself in my fullness.
We are all on this journey together.
I've always been a rebel, unable to settle for less (though I almost believed I might have to), and the more I stayed persistent in Loving myself through the sludge of Social Pressure... the more I attracted people that could meet me there. These Lovers and Friends only more deeply reflected the space for me to know my dormant nature as Love: to integrate as my authentic and inherent expression without making it about the other.
It's important to mention that the common theme of these people that can truly celebrate me in my fullness - is mostly because they have been on their own similar journeys of traversing through the darkness of feeling alone in this world, and learned to radically devote to loving their unique selfs. What happens when someone has gone through sincere Ego Death's to different degrees, and found a freedom underneath the breaking apart of all they once learned to hold onto, is that they are suddenly blessed with a capacity to Love beyond what our culture's limiting examples ever taught was possible.
This Universal principle of Love and Friendship, is the essence of what is Realized when we are experiencing our true place in the Family of all things. No one is excluded from this deeper principle through which all of Nature is interconnected, and in which we realize that we are not the Separate Ego's our culture's taught us we must fit ourselves into.
When we recognize we are one another - we can't help but want to celebrate each others full blossoming - as we know that what One does, they do on behalf of and for the Whole.
So now, if people don't get me, or i'm a little outside the box of the humans they've encountered before, and i trigger a little resistance in them - I no longer take this personally, in the ways I once did back when I internalized my differentness into excruciating insecurity spirals. I now know who I am, and understand today that people who really have problems with other people - really have problems with themselves, and often take their inner fears and resistances out onto others who are reflecting an example for how loving, free, vulnerable, and sovereign they can be.
To heal the cycles of judgment and emotional abuse that we continue to project onto one another, I hold compassion for people who might use primarily peaceful & loving beings (such as myself) as scapegoats upon which to project their own mistrust of and suppression of that part within themselves.
I understand more and more how foreign it is for people to expirience true friendships, relationships, and communities that actually FULLY FUCKING CELEBRATE the PURE DIVINITY, WHOLENESS, and UNIVERSAL MAGNIFICENCE of one another's complete selfs.
Our Truest Self is what emerges in the most Loving context... and because so many of us have yet to be seen in such wholesome light - we are the one's to learn to hold ourselves in this regard, and begin to reflect it for one another.
I could lose all my friends, and ruin my reputation today - and still be in absolute Love with myself. I say that with full knowingness that it's true. The depths of initiation I've traversed to get here have involved nothing less than virtually releasing all attachments to any co-dependent program for external validation, over and over again.
Equally so, it has been a process of learning to open myself up, and trust that I can be held by others in true connection - after so long not believing I would ever find a true sense of belonging amongst others... which has been quite the challenging, confronting, and yet unbelievably rewarding journey.
And yet the more I remember the Home that is always here... that I AM, when all concept of "other" is released...
The more badass MotherLovers I create space for to welcome into my life to reflect this deeper actualization. People who are there for me, whenever I need, to remind me who I am if I forget, and who's contributions to my life mirror the true essence of Love that we are all here in these different bodies to play in the unifying remembrance of.
And this is why I don't give a fuck if people choose not to get me or like me.