I TRIED TO DELETE EXISTENCE (How a Tiger Remembers Freedom)

Updated: Jul 15, 2020



I tried to delete this existence…


Feeling the overwhelming reality of the repressed pain haunting those around me, it all felt like too much.


I didn’t know what to do,

But declare this Universe obsolete…


But no matter how hard I tried, pleaded, and insisted- I found it to be literally impossible.


“Enough.” I cried. “It’s too much. Too much pain.


Let’s just cancel it.


Enough. We’ve gone through enough.


We’ve reached our limit.


Let’s go home already. We’re done”


So i thought…


~ ~ ~


But I was but a screaming baby in the arms of it’s mother- unaware that this world too exists within her watery womb.


That the outer was created from the inner, for the inner; so that they may know themselves as one another, and in that expirience this most sacred thing called Love.


For no matter how hard I resisted this body of the goddess, no matter how righteously I judged her creation as being wrong, I only set myself up for a deeper humbeling in coming face to face with a truth that was silent and open enough in the presence of the worlds cry’s, to weave melodies between the low notes and highs.


Then I got it.


Finally, redeemed by a river of rhythm not bound by any holding, my body felt something that made sense. Music.


And slowly, coming back down to my heart,


Listening to every voice that was scared of this moment, until it no longer sounded like me


I held myself like a mother to her teenager, turned to a cub, turned to Self, turned to space

who’s roaring turned to crying, turned to laughter, turned to song…


And then silence…


I found myself sobered by the bleak persistence of the inevitable.


For only after every muscle of resistance I could muster to prove to myself that I have a right to fight reality in order to create my own had surrendered in hopeless exhaustion, could I finally let my shivering body have an opportunity to fall into the ground and receive that which I had already created for myself…


Where all I had to do to ascend above this ruthless reality, was melt through the fire, into the medicine of the mud beneath me.


The fight is fun,

Until a time comes to admit the hurt, Purge what cries to be let out, and mature through it.

Finding solace in this clearing.


Which means that once a tiger has broken out of his cage, he does not need to put himself back in it again in order to remind his body that he was always already empowered and free.


Which means to listen As the birds sing to welcome a new day Where the warrior releases the battlefield like a yogi outgrowing his dark cave to see the colors of a new world- where he is greeted by a living rainbow.


And like a baby reborn, He may learn again to walk And trust through Listening to the teachings of nature.

Of the infinite ways she Loves.


Only when there is peace and beauty found in the pain, and all that is judged as unholy is honored, can the burden of feeling imprisoned by creation eleviate.


I tried to delete existence, but wasn’t able to because it would go against the free will of all the other rays of the absolute oversoul that have decided, with me, to embark upon their evolution amidst their divine right to learn from, integrate, and grow from the play of polarity.


I chose to be here for the same reason; learning Love through the paradoxical play of infinite oneness dressed up as uniquely defined characters.


Essentially, we all created this to choose to see that the our heavenly home beyond hell is actually here, when we see that this is made of love, and realize that we are the creator.

And that it is an illusion to think that this is somehow separate from God. That we are somehow trapped far away from freedom.


It is the beauty of the dance in contrast between light and dark that we’ve come to celebrate as an expression of our infinite ineffability.


I tried to delete existence, and by the end of it learned to accept that the transcendent and the manifest are one.


I learned to bow down in humility before the ungraspable intelligence, careful artistry, precious effort, impeccable intention, and true compassion put into the evolution of existence that has led us to this day on earth.


Wiping away the tears that wanted this all to be brushed off as some ugly mistake, as the blinding mask of fearful arrogance fell apart I finally allowed myself to see clearly rather than look away.


I chose this. This is real.

And not only is it possible to fall in love with it- it is worth it, to choose again and again.


And that’s why it’s here.


If this isn’t clear, you’re not listening for the music.


If you can’t find any, you’re here to create it.




3 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

For My New Age Friends

I never resonated with the idea of "become your Higher Self", as it always seemed to imply to me a neglecting of whatever part of us we deem to be our "lower or lesser self" in exchange for a portraya

How Do You Not Give A Fuck?

"How do you do it? How do you not give a fuck if people don't like you?" A housemate asked me yesterday. My answer was this. There was a time growing up, in high school, where I felt like an outsider,